Not the American Dream

EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO ME THIS WEEK – SO, I…

1. Gained a pound – in weight, and also on the stock exchange, where I feel I am no Elon Musk.

2. Watched snow falling. Then watched it melt. 

3. Bought a ton of Clinique cosmetics online and yet still don’t look like Emilia Clarke, who is advertising their new serum-based foundation. I was caught the same way (many times) with onboard shopping on Virgin Atlantic, when Eva Longoria was advertising Estée Lauder mascara in the magazine. I continue to look nothing like her, either. 

4. Did some much-needed FaceTime (not the Clinique sort) with family and friends.

5. Bought a ton of Bobbi Brown make-up, as I could see no celebrity endorsement and would not spend the rest of the week being depressed because I don’t look like Emilia Clarke.

6. Watched three episodes of Russell T. Davies’s Channel 4 series, It’s a Sin. I’ve been saying for months that Covid has reminded me of the Eighties and Aids – in particular, the conspiracy theorists and lack of government information. The drama has hit the zeitgeist. 

7. Went house shopping online to Croatia, Valencia, Barcelona, Paris, the Gower Coast, Bordeaux… I couldn’t afford anything, so I stayed in and opened another bottle of wine.

8. Vacuumed the blackheads in my nose with my new device that has finally cured a lifelong blemish. I used another battery-operated device to shave the hair from my upper lip, which makes me a dead ringer for a German dictator every morning (can’t name him, because algorithms pick up on the name and put me on the naughty step, assuming I am a sympathizer). 

9. Spent a sleepless night worrying about how I would spend the Mega Millions lottery if I won it. Plastic surgery to make me look like Eva Longoria topped the list. For the record, I didn’t win.

10. Sent off my forms to audition for the US version of The Voice. I’m not joking.

11. Spent a sleepless night worrying about whether I wanted to spend months in Vegas when I get my residency there, after winning The Voice. Sometimes, I think I worry too much. 

12. Had lunch with my dear, and mega-talented musician friend, Emiliano. We managed just an appetizer before the outdoor dining in NYC (indoors at 25% returns on February 14th) started to give us frostbite. I think I started calling him Melania, owing to the difficulty of uttering so many syllables in sub-zero temperatures. 

13. Went to the Roosevelt Bar (in Hudson Valley Food Hall), my local in Beacon, NY. Felt so grateful for indoor dining upstate, even at just 50% capacity. There was also live music on Wednesday night. I am grateful for every atom of normality at the moment.

14. Thought I might buy a dog.

15. Decided not to have a dog because I could well be 79 when it dies if it lives as long as our others did. Heck, it could end up having to organize my funeral. 

16. Tried to follow the stock exchange drama unfolding with Reddit and Robinhood. The latter seemed not to have done their homework, as they ended up giving more to the rich.

17. Watched the pound rise to its highest against the dollar in three years.

18. Watched the pound go down against the dollar again.

19. Wrote a novel.

20. Lied about having written a novel.