Enough is enough.
Hallmark has announced that it is to show Christmas movies all year round on Thursdays. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen – seriously, please; I’m begging you. Give it a rest.
It was bad enough when they started showing them on their Movie Channel on Thursday nights last August; next, when they started showing them on an endless loop in October.
It was bad enough when they started showing them on their Movie Channel on Thursday nights in August; next, when they started showing them on an endless loop in October.
Gone were my nocturnal treats Murder, She Wrote and Hart to Hart; I was thrust into the worst hell imaginable – non-stop jingle bells cheer. Who was the monster who came up with Wizard’s lyric “I wish it could be Christmas every day?”
No, I don’t. One day is bad enough, as it is.
It’s hard to believe that there are so many of these movies. I’ve yet to see one twice, which leads me to the conclusion that they are making at least a dozen more while I sleep. The formula is so simple, I know I could actually write them in my sleep.
Here’s the general gist of them and the essential ingredients:
1. Small town. Heaven forbid that any of the characters might have experienced life in a big city; that would make them think twice about the only single person arriving in said town and wondering if they could do better if they moved to LA.
2. Forget a big city: no local has ever been anywhere, done anything, or set foot on a plane; no one has ever seen, let alone read, a book. Hence the excitement when fresh meat arrives – always on a bus, to give the stranger an air of “normality” (or to protect their identity, because they are, in reality, a multi-millionaire and not wanting to attract the town’s gold-digger - the rival to the key love interest and always a nasty piece of work who gets their comeuppance).
3. The small town is always snowed in at Christmas. Forget finding romance in LA; unless you can don a bobble hat and scarf in freezing temperatures, love will always elude you.
4. There is only ever one available, single person in the whole vicinity: a woman or man whose life is unfulfilled: generally, a widow or widower with a cute kid and, just for fun, a terminally ill relative. The kid still believes in Santa, hoping that he will bring the ultimate Christmas present – a new mom or dad.
5. The single person is absurdly handsome or attractive: the men usually have dark hair; the women always have long hair. They are all very white. Of course. Apart from the occasional mail man.
6. The single person lives in a ridiculously large mansion. How they can afford it remains a mystery, especially on the income from a nondescript job in advertising (it’s always advertising or teaching) that requires them never to see clients, go to an office, or pick up the phone.
7. Enter single person number two: a man or woman who, for no particular reason (usually that same nondescript job in advertising) rolls into town, disillusioned with life and nursing a broken heart. A veteran returning from war with PTSD (and/or an injury – both is a bonus) proves especially attractive for the one lady who hasn’t had sex in three years but is sure she can resurrect that battered, war torn organ. When she does, there will be a baby (but not yet – don’t jump the gun… which is probably what she said to herself before she did just that).
8. The couple meet and are instantly attracted to each other but have a dark secret that is revealed on Christmas Eve, thereby ensuring that everyone has a potentially disastrous time.
9. A visit to the ice rink where no one ever falls over proves the catalyst for the couple to iron out their differences, while the cute kid plays Cupid and thanks Santa for giving him/her the best Christmas ever.
10. All the handsome, single men are obviously gay: something that always passes the heroine by, but not viewers, for whom shouting “He’s gay! Stop wasting your time!” makes the whole ghastly Hallmark viewing experience worthwhile.
And there you have it! Happy viewing!
Read more at https://jacistephen.com
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