The Celeb Assistant's Job from Hell

Dear "Award Winning Performer . . . "

Tempted as I was by the headline “ . . . Seeks Personal Assistant”, I have given the matter careful consideration and feel I have to tell you why I will not be submitting my application. I will go through each of your points, one by one, looking at what you have asked for and why I have decided to stick with my career as an award-winning journalist who asks for just two things every day: a cup of PG Tips and a computer.

ORGANIZED (I am sticking to US spellings throughout, although that, I am sure, will not deter from the forthcoming hilarity my UK friends are about to experience). Yes, I am organized. I e-mailed this to many thousands of people on social networking within seconds.

I     INTELLIGENT – BA (Hons.), Masters, Teaching Certificate, 30 years as a successful writer. Oh, yes.

EDUCATED – as above (and certainly way above anyone else who might be applying for this job).

MOTIVATED – I made it this far without any help from slaves, Sherpas, or people carrying boxes for me (see below). Heck, I'm still reading this ridiculous ad. How motivated does one person have to be?

HARD-WORKING – Ditto. The ad again. 

HIGH-ENERGY For someone who, at 56, was dancing on a bar miming as Meghan Trainor this week, I’d say yes, I am mega high energy.

PHYSICALLY FIT – Duh! See above.

EXPERIENCED LIFESTYLYE COORDINATOR/PERSONAL ASSISTANT WITH GOOD HYGIENE – Geez, how long is this list of demands? (You needed a dash in co-ordinator, by the way. I am SO much better this than you!). I don’t smell. Anything else will be a bonus.

CORPORATE EXPERIENCE WELCOME – My own company okay for you?

JOB IS EXCITING AND VARIED. Really? I’ll give you the latter only, so let’s break it down according to your list to see just how high that level of excrement . . . sorry, I mean excitement (just a typo), is going to be.

MY RESPONSES ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. 

Assistant must:
-- speak and write grammatically correct English at a "first language" level.

I DO. YOU DON’T.

-- be highly computer literate in MS Office, iPod/iPad/iPhone, Cloud storage, and e-file organization, as well as be internet/social media fluent (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram).

I HAVE ALREADY POSTED THIS MANY THOUSANDS OF TIMES. TRUST ME, YOU ARE ALREADY VERY WELL KNOWN IN SOCIAL NETWORKING CIRCLES.

-- be able to take dictation and type at least 60 wpm accurately (without relying on “spell check”).

I HAVE A FEELING I WILL BE ABLE TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING YOU SAY WITHOUT EVER NEEDING TO PICK UP A PEN.

-- have a valid United States driver’s license and be ready to drive.

I CAN USE MY UK LICENSE. I WILL BE READY TO DRIVE AT VERY SHORT NOTICE. AWAY.

-- be comfortable driving and parking in Manhattan and environs.

DON’T BE SILLY. NO ONE IS. BUT ANYTHING THAT GETS YOU OUT OF THE CAR VERY QUICKLY WILL IMPROVE MY MOTORING SKILLS, I FEEL SURE.

-- be comfortable with (and have 20-40+ hrs./week availability for) a highly flexible schedule: the work hours may be in the morning, through the day, and late at night on both weekdays and weekends, in locations both inside and outside Manhattan. The work week will vary.

WILL THERE BE WINE?

-- be comfortable with party planning and executing small in-home gatherings and larger infrequent events with 100+ guests, such as opening nights, dinner parties, celebrations of life milestones.

OH, NOW YOU’RE TALKING. WILL THERE BE SEX? AND CAN I JOIN IN WHEN I HAVE DONE THE WASHING UP?

-- maintain a professional, upbeat, and positive demeanor and appearance (even in stressful situations).

YES, IF THERE IS WINE AND SEX.

-- independently complete work tasks calmly, quickly, with precision accuracy in a variety of high-pressured, time-sensitive situations; be detail-oriented.

YES, ABSOLUTELY (I FEEL IT’S GOING VERY WELL, BY THE WAY . . . ).

-- assist actress with staying on schedule and arriving on time to her appointments.

HANG ON – IT’S A WOMAN? DAMN. HOLD FIRE ON THE SEX BIT.

-- be impeccably trustworthy handling cash, credit cards, and valuables (background check will be performed on finalist candidates).

I LIKE THE SOUND OF BEING IN CHARGE OF THE CASH AND VALUABLES.

-- be able to lift and move boxes in excess of 30 pounds (including up and down stairs) without assistance.

OH, COME ON. IT WAS GOING SO WELL. WHAT’S IN THE BOXES? AM I JUST A PAID DRUG TRAFFICKER/BODY SNATCHER NOW? THAT’S A LITTLE UNDER A THIRD OF MY BODY WEIGHT.

During the run of any theatre/film/television/cabaret/concert/personal appearance project, Assistant will:
-- prepare actor for each engagement.

EASY – GET ON STAGE, LOVE. IT’S YOUR JOB.

-- settle her in her dressing room or apartment.

SHUT THE EFF UP AND HAVE A GLASS OF WATER; YOU’LL BE FINE.

-- accompany actor to the theatre/set.

IT’S OVER THERE.

-- pack up actor’s belongings at the end of the engagement.

SORRY, MY MUM’S BEEN TAKEN ILL. HAVE TO DASH.

Other duties:
-- booking travel arrangements

HERE’S THE NUMBER OF MY MATE IN VIRGIN ATLANTIC.

-- running lines with actor for upcoming Broadway, film, TV, and concert/personal appearance projects

“ROMEO, ROMEO . . . " YEAH, DON’T WORRY, YOU’RE GREAT.

-- running errands (shopping, drop-offs and pick-ups, pumping gas)

WOULD YOU MIND IF I PUT YOUR POINTS ON MY CARD?

-- cooking/meal preparation, table service, kitchen/apartment cleanup before and after parties, and food shopping

PARTIES? I’M THERE!

-- daily tidying, simple cleaning (bedrooms and bathrooms, windows), and small and large scale organizational projects

NO WET PATCHES, SORRY.

-- wardrobe prep and maintenance: dressing/undressing actor, light sewing, steaming and ironing, occasional laundry, packing for trips, maintaining organized closets

FLAMIN’ ‘ECK. I’M EXHAUSTED. WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE WITH THE UNDRESSING BIT IF YOU’D BEEN A MAN.

-- dealing with correspondence, mail, bills, email, phone messages

ONE WORD: TRASH. LEAVE US ALONE. DON’T YOU KNOW MY CLIENT IS A SUPERSTAR?

-- merchandise sales at theatrical venues (CDs, DVDs etc.)

DO I GET TO SELL THEM OR STEAL THEM?

-- gift wrapping and presentation (often for a large group)

I AM REALLY, REALLY BAD AT WRAPPING. THIS COULD BE THE POINT AT WHICH I FAIL THE INTERVIEW.

Immediate start.
$18 hr. starting pay. Some snacks and lunch are provided, if desired.

I WAS THINKING MORE $1,800 A MINUTE. TELL ME MORE ABOUT “IF DESIRED". IT WILL ALWAYS BE DESIRED, OK?

Job is 20-40+ hours/wk. Assistant is paid as an Independent Contractor at the hourly rate and will receive a Form 1099.

ONLY 20-40 HOURS? GREAT, I CAN KEEP WORKING FOR THE DAILY MAIL. THEY’LL UNDERSTAND.

Some travel required (to set and/or actor’s vacation home).

HEY! WHERE THE HECK IS IT? AND DO I GET TO STAY OR DO I HAVE TO SLEEP IN THE CAR (MY CAR) OUTSIDE?

Please note on your submission if you also have your own car (a plus).

THAT ANSWERS THAT ONE, THEN.

You will report to actor’s Executive Assistant and directly to Actor.

THERE’S A SUCKER ABOVE ME?

Must use your own laptop and cell phone.

THIS JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER!

Two (2) references required; please include in submission.

EVERYONE I KNOW WHO WOULD AGREE TO THESE TERMS IS DEAD.

Confidentiality agreement signed from first day of work.

I WON’T MAKE THAT FIRST DAY.

Typing and grammar tests will be administered prior to personal interview.

I WILL BE TESTING YOURS FIRST. I AM BETTER.

AND IF I HAD TO APPLY IN ONE PARAGRAPH, THIS WOULD BE IT: DON’T EVER BE SO STUPID AS TO EMPLOY SOMEONE WHO WOULD POST THESE DEMANDS. WHATEVER YOUR AWARDS OR STATUS, YOU WILL FOREVER BE REMEMBERED AS THE VAIN, RUDE, DEMANDING PERSON WANTING A SLAVE, A SHERPA, A HEAD COOK AND BOTTLE WASHER. AND YOUR NAME WILL COME OUT – IT REALLY WILL. IN THE MEANTIME, I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING WHO THE SAP IS WHO ACTUALLY WANTS THIS JOB.

DON'T CALL ME . . .