My bi-coastal life has
seen me spend most of the past few months in New York City rather than Los
Angeles. Unusually, apparently, it was an uncharacteristically non-humid summer
in NYC, followed by a mild and dry autumn. There has been just one day so far on
which I felt the need to wrap up very warm. I am assured this will soon change
and that nothing short of sitting in a hot bath for two months will keep me
warm during the harsh East Coast winters.
I am better in the cold
than the heat. When I departed LA in July, the humidity was unbearable and I
was glad to escape. Last week, I was back there, and it was still too hot for
me. I suspect this will not be the case when I return in January.
It’s not only my body
that has to adapt to the changes in circumstances. Each time I swop cities, my
diet, emotions, mindset, spirit and behaviour transform, along with my
temperature. Should anyone be considering an East/West existence, you would do
well to heed the following in order to prepare yourself fully for what lies
ahead.
ROAD
SAFETY
NEW YORKERS
Pedestrian crossings are
there only to show pretty lights – white and red. White means you can cross to
the other side; so does red. If anyone ahead of you does not understand this
basic principle, it is acceptable to shout “Hey! Move it, people!” and shove
them into oncoming traffic in order to save yourself three valuable seconds.
ANGELENOS
Don’t even think of
getting to the other side of the road until you have made at least three
phone-calls, while forgetting that you are required to push the button on the
crossing to bring up the pretty lights. And specially don’t think of crossing
on red. This is considered an act of civil disobedience and will get you an on
the spot fine, or instant incarceration from a vigilant policeman who has seen
too much NYPD Los Angeles on the telly.
DIET
NEW YORKERS
If it stands still long
enough, chuck it in your gob or, preferably, straight down your throat,
bypassing tongue and teeth. The idea is to gain at least seven pounds from the
moment you start eating to when you call for the check. Always keep at the
forefront of your mind that there could be a pizza famine at any moment.
ANGELENOS
Never under-estimate a
leaf. There is a lot you can do with it. Lift it to your mouth and put it down
again. Slalom it around your plate as if it is engaged in the annual Lettuce
Grand Prix. Chew on it 20 times in order to create enough saliva that acts as a
filling beverage to accompany your meal. All of this will give you the
impression that you are gorging to your heart’s content. Should you feel too
full after swallowing said leaf, you can rush to the rest room to put your
fingers down your throat.
SERVICE
NEW YORKERS
Contrary to popular
belief, New Yorkers are not rude; they are just very direct. Expect to be
chased down the street with a very sharp fork if you don’t leave a tip, and
expect to be greeted like a long lost relative on your next visit if you leave
a large one. Make sure you tip according to normal prices when paying Happy Hour
prices – this will elevate you to the kissing greeting amongst staff.
ANGELENOS
Everyone’s a failed
actor. Finding a waiter who is doing it for the love of the job will take as
long as it did Steven Spielberg to win his first Oscar (a long time, since you
ask). Expect to be asked for ID everywhere, even if you look 103. Never expect
to be remembered – unless you are in the Boulevard Bar of the Beverly Wilshire,
where they not only remember you, they remember what you like to drink two
years after your last visit.
DRINKING
NEW YORKERS
Timing is everything.
From two hour Happy Hours to all day Happy Hours, plus 4am closing time, expect
never to find anyone 100% sober, unless they are in AA. “Will you do a shot
with me?” is a familiar phrase delivered with such an air of melancholy, it
seems rude to refuse. If you are a regular and tip well, expect to enjoy a
complimentary drink. Sales people for new drinks are also forever promoting
their wares in bars, which means you need never have single vision again,
should you so choose.
ANGELENOS
Expect to go on safari
to find a decent Happy Hour and never, ever expect a free drink, unless you are
a hooker hanging out at a hotel bar. If you are, by the way, the technique
appears to go along the lines of: you arrive at the bar at 5pm, drink tap water
for anything between one minute and three hours, and then, when a potential
client turns up, decide that nothing short of six $25 cocktails is going to
quench your thirst.
SEX
NEW YORKERS
There isn’t any. But
maybe that’s just me.
ANGELENOS
There isn’t any. But
maybe that’s just me.
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