The world as I know it has come to an end.
Traumatised doesn’t even begin to cover it. Shocked, devastated, appalled, wrecked . . . I could go on . . . And will . . . Horrified, stunned, depressed.
After nine years on the air, the TV show Judge Alex has not been renewed.
Readers of this blog will be familiar with my enthusiasm for the courtroom show presided over by the world’s funniest and most handsome man (okay, Gabriel Macht is up there with him, but Suits, in which he plays hotshot lawyer Harvey Specter, is still on the air, so bear with me in my grief).
I religiously watch Judge Alex live when it airs on weekdays and, last year, had the privilege not only of being in the show’s audience, but of meeting Judge Alex himself. Several times. I didn’t get to where I am in life by being a shrinking violet.
I’ve eaten judges for breakfast (No munching jokes yet, please, this is serious stuff). In one fell swoop, my lunchtime handcuffs/de-robing fantasy life has been wiped out.
It is astonishing, given all the Kardashian, Real Housewives, Bachelor/ette crap around, that Fox is ditching the smartest, funniest and most brilliantly edited show on TV. It provides an endless source of entertainment in an arena where Fraggle Rock meets Sesame Street in its vast array of litigants; it provokes laugh aloud humour not only through Judge Alex’s quick witted repartee and stern commands, but his relationship with his bailiff, Mason; it is far and away the most compulsive courtroom show and, let’s not deny it, the best deliverer of eye candy for the female population (on the Bench, not in the witness box, that is).
So why, why, why, oh why, Fox? I am sure that the reasons for the decision are, as they always are in TV, about money, but it still hurts. Judge Alex has millions of viewers and a massive social networking following, although I can’t help feeling that if Fox had put as much publicity gusto behind the show as the fans have, we might not be in this position now.
Just when I’d perfected my stalking map and got myself a personal trainer to keep up with the Judge’s movements (not to mention my having gathered millions of Air Miles, should the Judge suddenly have had a massive change of plans and emigrated to Australia – you can never be too careful), this has to happen. Could the network not have put my needs above their own commercial interests for once? Selfish bastards.
So, what next for Judge Alex, I wonder?
I would love to see him present a talk show, or a satirical current affairs programme. Or he could turn to acting, perhaps. Couldn’t they find a role for him in Suits? Then I could save on stalking time and pursue him and Gabriel Macht as a double act.
Who knows, they might end up fighting over me; I might become a Trophy Stalker. I feel there’s a movie there somewhere. With his fine dress sense, I could see him in politics, too. I am already a little tearful in case he takes that path and gets assassinated. What would I wear to the funeral? No, no, I couldn’t bear it. I’d have to be burnt alive on the coffin like they do in India. Sometimes, I think I have an over-active imagination.
With his intelligence, humour, talent, drop-dead gorgeous looks and great personality, I am certain he won’t be short of offers and, if he’s really stuck, I am currently looking for a new cleaner. Pinny provided, your honour. Just a pinny.
And, by the way, I really can eat judges for breakfast.
Okay, you can start on the munching jokes now.