Tuesday, February 5, 2013

FFF - Fight For Fellatio!

The brilliant David E. Kelley has taught me many things in life, not least now to write the best series on television. But I never expected to learn about fellatio from him.
But sitting in the UK tonight, watching a repeat episode of Harry’s Law, this is what I learned from the character Harry (Kathy Bates): fellatio is illegal in Georgia. 

Geez! They even know how to spell it there?!
I was gobsmacked. Actually, that’s a bad word. I can doubtless be arrested even for uttering a word that smacks of (oh god, there I go again) . . . of lips . . . or things they might do.
Not only is it illegal in Georgia, it is illegal in 11 other states, including Florida. That’s the one that distresses me the most (there are a lot of blokes there. All off my list now. Sorry, guys).
So, here’s what I learnt from Google:-

Georgia code section 16-6-2 provides a 1 to 20 year mandatory sentence for any adults consenting to "any sexual act involving the sex organs of one person and the mouth or anus of another" (The latter’s okay; I can do without the crusties). Married couples are not excluded from this law.

Most states have repealed the law but it is still illegal in the following:

North Carolina
South Carolina
Puerto Rico

To be honest, I’m okay with all of them, but I met a few cute guys in Florida, and now it seems I have to kidnap them on American Airlines (and probably pay for them too, not to mention  get up for the 6am flight to get it cheaper), just to get them to California to make my oral hygiene legal.
What’s it all about? 

In a week when people are getting hysterical about equal marriage for gays, why is no one screaming about equal fellatio rights for a dozen states in the USA?
And who is policing it? In divorce cases, does it classify as “marital coercion”? Blimey, all we get in Wales is half a Stella, a crack to the back of the head, our 10ccs and we’re happy.
The first night I was introduced to fellatio was in car registration number TB0 440H. I remember the night very clearly because it was the first time I came into direct contact with an adult penis: an adult penis while travelling at 30mph in a white Ford Estate, more to the point. I hadn’t seen a penis since I had taken baths with my brother a decade earlier, much less handled one. I had tiny hands anyway, so coupled with my complete lack of experience, anything put in my palm was going to look and feel like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. 

Once I had got to grips with the fact that sex clearly involved multi-tasking (zip, steering-wheel, gear change - I confess to having been more than a tad nervous: no, abject terror, would be more accurate),  I realised I had to start revving it up.

Then, just as I was getting used to my new job, I received what felt like a crack to the back of the skull (it was probably just a gentle shove, but I was finding co-ordinating my actions with worry about breaking the speed limit difficult to cope with; my terror of breaking the law has always over-ridden everything in my life). 

At crack number three, the penny finally dropped that I was required to get my head down and put the Tyrannosaurus Rex in my mouth (which was even smaller than my hand) and I had to get munching.
Four and a half years of sexual activity taking place almost entirely in a car (the first Ford was traded in for a silver one of the same make, registration number MUH 853P), I would become an expert in co-ordinating hand-brake, steering wheel, motorway driving and consuming anything Tyrannosaurus Rex threw my way at inopportune moments. 

Small wonder I developed a highly developed technique, if not what some went on to call in later years, in the UK press, an obsession with blow-jobs. 

I will continue to FFF (Fight For Fellatio) in those 12 backward states. 

Florida, you thought 2000 was bad. 

You ain’t seen nothing yet.


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  2. I wonder how many men could drive a manual car at the same time as displaying their skills as a, erm, cunning linguist? I am in awe and I am a girl (also with small hands and a well-bumped head!) EdnosAnnie