The
brilliant David E. Kelley has taught me many things in life, not least now to
write the best series on television. But I never expected to learn about
fellatio from him.
But sitting in the UK tonight,
watching a repeat episode of Harry’s Law, this is what I learned from the
character Harry (Kathy Bates): fellatio is illegal in Georgia.
Geez! They even
know how to spell it there?!
I was gobsmacked. Actually, that’s
a bad word. I can doubtless be arrested even for uttering a word that smacks of
(oh god, there I go again) . . . of lips . . . or things they might do.
Not only is it illegal in Georgia,
it is illegal in 11 other states, including Florida. That’s the one that
distresses me the most (there are a lot of blokes there. All off my list now.
Sorry, guys).
So, here’s what I learnt from
Google:-
Georgia
code section 16-6-2 provides a 1 to 20 year mandatory sentence for any adults
consenting to "any sexual act involving the sex organs of one person and
the mouth or anus of another" (The latter’s okay; I can do without the
crusties). Married couples are not excluded from this law.
Most
states have repealed the law but it is still illegal in the following:
Florida
Idaho
Louisiana
Michigan
Alabama
Mississippi
North
Carolina
South
Carolina
Utah
Virginia
Puerto
Rico
To be
honest, I’m okay with all of them, but I met a few cute guys in Florida, and
now it seems I have to kidnap them on American Airlines (and probably pay for
them too, not to mention get up
for the 6am flight to get it cheaper), just to get them to California to make
my oral hygiene legal.
What’s it all about?
In a week
when people are getting hysterical about equal marriage for gays, why is no one
screaming about equal fellatio rights for a dozen states in the USA?
And who is policing it? In
divorce cases, does it classify as “marital coercion”? Blimey, all we get in
Wales is half a Stella, a crack to the back of the head, our 10ccs and we’re
happy.
The first night I was introduced to fellatio was in
car registration number TB0 440H. I remember the night very clearly because it
was the first time I came into direct contact with an adult penis: an adult
penis while travelling at 30mph in a white Ford Estate, more to the point. I
hadn’t seen a penis since I had taken baths with my brother a decade earlier,
much less handled one. I had tiny hands anyway, so coupled with my complete
lack of experience, anything put in my palm was going to look and feel like a
Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Once I had got to grips with the fact that sex clearly
involved multi-tasking (zip, steering-wheel, gear change - I confess to having
been more than a tad nervous: no, abject terror, would be more accurate), I realised I had to start revving it up.
Then, just as I was getting used to my
new job, I received what felt like a crack to the back of the skull (it was
probably just a gentle shove, but I was finding co-ordinating my actions with
worry about breaking the speed limit difficult to cope with; my terror of
breaking the law has always over-ridden everything in my life).
At crack number
three, the penny finally dropped that I was required to get my head down and
put the Tyrannosaurus Rex in my mouth (which was even smaller than my hand) and I had to get munching.
Four and a half years of sexual activity taking place almost
entirely in a car (the first Ford was traded in for a silver one of the same
make, registration number MUH 853P), I would become an expert in co-ordinating
hand-brake, steering wheel, motorway driving and consuming anything
Tyrannosaurus Rex threw my way at inopportune moments.
Small wonder I developed
a highly developed technique, if not what some went on to call in later years, in
the UK press, an obsession with blow-jobs.
I will continue to FFF (Fight For Fellatio) in those 12 backward states.
I will continue to FFF (Fight For Fellatio) in those 12 backward states.
Florida, you thought 2000 was bad.
You ain’t seen nothing yet.
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ReplyDeleteI wonder how many men could drive a manual car at the same time as displaying their skills as a, erm, cunning linguist? I am in awe and I am a girl (also with small hands and a well-bumped head!) EdnosAnnie
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