Is Matt Bomer too openly a
Federal Agent and professional conman to play Christian Grey in the movie
version of the book Fifty Shades of Grey?
Of course he is. Anyone who watches White Collar knows
the reality, and the idea that he could put his day job on hold to pretend to
be someone he is clearly not is, of course, ludicrous.
I have to be honest, upon hearing that he was being
considered for Christian, I was shocked. How can you have a man wearing an
ankle tag, stripping off and slapping a woman around? Anastasia would be bound
to notice and comment upon it – “Hey, I can’t wait to get those handcuffs on
and have you beat me black and blue, but what’s with the leg jewellery?” Talk
about putting a dampener on the proceedings.
Heck, it’s like a man who can’t walk on water being
asked to play Jesus.
If I were writing a film about the Son of God, I would
insist that the casting director check out the individual’s credentials for the
role. After the walking on water bit was established, I would insist that he
fulfil other criteria essential to convince us that he is Jesus.
Was he born in
a stable? Was his mother a virgin? Can he turn water into wine and wine into
blood? Can he transform a couple of sardines and a baguette into a feast for 5000?
Can he persuade a dozen fishermen to leave their families and go on a road
trip? Most important of all, can he rise from the dead?
Unless the actor’s life
completely resonated with the character I had written, he would not get the
part.
Robert Powell would never have landed the part of
Jesus had he not displayed all these qualities at the audition, and the fact
that he is still with us is evidence that he really did rise from the dead.
Rumours of a Second Coming have, however, been greatly exaggerated.
Similarly, Daniel Radcliffe had obviously served a
long apprenticeship as a wizard before he landed the role of Harry Potter. How
else could he have mastered all those tricks? And if bicycles were not really
able to fly, what would be the point of watching ET?
The importance of art mimicking life to the letter
provides a particularly pertinent point when it comes to casting gay men as
straight and vice versa. Could David Hyde Pierce have delivered so convincing
and hilarious a performance, lusting after Daphne in Frasier, if he were gay?
Of course not. It was clearly something that only a full-blooded heterosexual
hunk could have mustered.
Would How I Met Your Mother be remotely funny if it
contained gay people purporting to be straight, all in the name of
entertainment? How ridiculous would that be?
If people start pretending to be people they are not,
where does that leave us as a society? It’s like telling someone they have
licence to be a chameleon, casting a spell over the lives of others to help them
suspend their disbelief. What sort of a world would it be, if everyone went
around kicking reality in the teeth?
Before long, you would have special schools set up to
teach people the art of this deception. People might start paying to go and see
it, even. They might start giving out awards for some people doing it better
than others.
So, Mr Bomer, I find it inconceivable that, having
returned to New York to continue your work with the Feds, you could convince me
that you spend your days in a basement, constructing wooden crucifixes on which
to fix women with ropes and chains.
That is a job for a man with psycho tendencies.
Someone who might conjure up the image of a hungry rodent in a woman’s vagina,
feasting on her sexual organs to induce a slow death, for example. But you
would have to ask Bret Easton Ellis about that.
If this deception thing ever takes off – stranger
things have happened - I have no doubt you could pull off the part of Christian
Grey brilliantly, and I would pay good money to see it.
In the meantime, back
in the real world, look after Peter. He’s a good friend.
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