What
are tournéed vegetables? What is a “green apple gastrique”? What’s fregola? A
farro salad?
These
and several other questions confronted me when I sat down to Delta’s Business
Class menu on last week’s Los Angeles to New York flight. Now, before everyone
gets worked up into their usual tizzy because I am even deigning to comment
when not flying cattle class, I have thousands upon thousands of points
acquired through daily living that enable me to travel this way. In fact, these
flights invariably cost me less than Economy; and, anyway, #NYGB (Not Your
Goddamned Business).
I
always look forward to the meal: the laying of the cloth, the arrival of the
tiny salt and pepper pots that house about eight grains between them, the wine
cart that invariably gives you the choice of three different ranges of c**p.
Beverages and food are always a hit and miss affair. Virgin Atlantic currently has a terrific Spanish red onboard, while Delta has a selection of totally undrinkable wines.
The Italian sparkling is drinkable enough, but even I, a
huge Champagne/Cava/Prosecco lover, can’t manage a six-hour marathon of
bubbles.
Virgin’s tomato and basil soup is my favourite starter, especially during my current vegetarian phase (although I’ve never been a big meat or fish fan). But, horror of horrors, on my UK to LA flight last week, there had been a catering mix-up and there was no soup. I know! Third World Problems, or what?
Luckily,
the crew quickly spotted that my greed for Air Miles is far greater than my
greed for two tablespoons of soup (I have eye baths bigger than Virgin’s soup
bowls) and promised me a five-figure sum of miles as compensation. In future, I
think I might enquire in advance, just to discover what’s not available and then
ask for it.
I
declined the alternative two cold starters. There were chicken skewers or a
butternut squash salad. First, if I wanted bits of wood in my food, I’d go
camping, not wait until I’m 30,000 feet in the air for that dubious luxury;
second, squash looks like a slightly larger version of what you always throw up
after a night on the tiles.
I
can’t remember what I had as the main course, but I recall that it was a hot
dish that arrived cold, as it always does. It was also on a plate barely bigger
than a saucer and, at the first stabbing, I lost half of it as it journeyed
across the aisle.
Delta, which is now a partner airline with Virgin Atlantic, has the same job lot of plates. Now, I know that space is limited on an airline, but if you are going to be serving “Herb-Crusted Lamb Chops with saffron quinoa, tournéed vegetables and green apple gastrique”, at least put it on a plate from which the lamb can’t escape before it hits the fork.
Delta, which is now a partner airline with Virgin Atlantic, has the same job lot of plates. Now, I know that space is limited on an airline, but if you are going to be serving “Herb-Crusted Lamb Chops with saffron quinoa, tournéed vegetables and green apple gastrique”, at least put it on a plate from which the lamb can’t escape before it hits the fork.
Unlike
Virgin Atlantic, Delta doesn’t serve Port with its cheese plate, and the
“acacia gourmet cream crackers” were even less appealing than a packet of
Jacob’s cream crackers in the desert.
Here's the other thing: the menu said the cheeses were "offered" with fresh fruit and the crackers.
Hang on. "Offered" with? Does that mean I can take the stuff, or I can't? There's a bit of an "If you must, Madam, you greedy bitch" in the word "offered". In any case, there were only a few grapes. The cheeses were excellent, though: “Cyprus grove midnight moon” (don’t ask, I have no idea) together with “kaltbach gruyère and buttermilk blue affinée
Here's the other thing: the menu said the cheeses were "offered" with fresh fruit and the crackers.
Hang on. "Offered" with? Does that mean I can take the stuff, or I can't? There's a bit of an "If you must, Madam, you greedy bitch" in the word "offered". In any case, there were only a few grapes. The cheeses were excellent, though: “Cyprus grove midnight moon” (don’t ask, I have no idea) together with “kaltbach gruyère and buttermilk blue affinée
Alas,
my computer will not allow me to put any space or punctuation after the last
word in the previous paragraph without removing the accent; suffice it to say
that I learned more French from this menu than I have during the past 20 years
of lessons.
Within
the past two weeks, I have also flown on British Airways, as they threatened to
take away all my points if I didn’t fly with them before June 3rd
(they thought they had already done me a huge favour by giving me a three month
extension). So, I took a flight that I didn’t want, to a place I had no need to
go (Paris – much as I love it, it was an unnecessary trip), all in order to
keep Air Miles on an airline I never wish to fly.
It
was horrible. Despite being in Business, the knees of the man behind attacked
my lower back throughout the flight. They ran out of the first food option
after serving just two people and I had to take the afternoon tea, which
consisted of stale sandwiches and a scone that looked more suited to a moon
landing than an oral consumption.
I’m
grounded for the moment (physically; emotionally will take a lot more work), but am worried that I have become slightly obsessed with flying and collecting
Air Miles. I always have to have one obsession in life – it used to be property
or a man; now, it’s Air Miles. At least if I’m in the air, it keeps me away
from putting deposits on my credit card for the former and pursuing the latter.
Above clouds, I am safe.
Hang
on . . . there’s WiFi on board and my credit card is in my hand luggage. And that
guy in 14A is quite cute.
And
I’ve just hit 300,000 Virgin Atlantic Air Miles.
Triple whammy, or what?!
